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Thursday, January 11, 2007
One Winter Day
"All judgments are tragic expressions of our unmet needs."
- Marshall Rosenberg, PhD
"Everyone keeps telling me what they think that I should do."
"They are only being nice so that they can come around and get their mom's money when she dies."
"No one listens to me. Everyone puts their stuff on me."
These are some of the many things that my friend was saying yesterday. It seemed as though everyone in her world was WRONG!
Right now, her very life is hanging tenuously. I can only imagine the fearful thoughts that are running rampant in her mind.
It was hard to keep my heart open when I heard her words. I felt a bit angry. I have driven her to many chemo treatments and doctor appointments, held her hand while she sat on the toilet, and spent days and nights caring for her in the hospital. When I heard her words, I had a need for acknowledgement and appreciation for what I have done. Listening to her, I told myself that no one, including me, will ever be able to be enough for her. Actually, the thought "If everyone is going away, you might want to look at who the common denominator is here" went through my head.
And after listening to the list of people who have said all of the wrong things and are now fired as friends of hers, I did express my concern about whether or not she will cut off friendship with me if I happen to say something she doesn't want to hear.
I gave myself empathy: "When I hear her say these things, I feel angry and afraid, because I'm needing some appreciation for what I have done. And I need to know that I am safe when I express myself." Just hearing that acknowledgment from myself, I feel more grounded.
Then I took a big breath and listened more deeply.
If all of her judgments are expressions of her unmet needs, what are the needs behind her words?
Me: Are you needing empathy for the place where you are now?
Her: Yes, I need to know that I am okay, that I have done good work for others and what I'm doing now is okay.
Me: So you need reassurance that you have contributed to life and that the path you are taking now is worthwhile.
Her: Yes. And I'm scared. Everyone goes away and doesn't want to listen to me when I say that I'm scared.
Me: Yes, I hear that you are very afraid and you would like someone to be present and hear your fears.
Her: Yes.
Me: Would you like to tell me about your fears?
Her: Yes. But it is nice outside right now and I told myself that I would take a walk while I could. I would like to talk about this tomorrow. Thank you. I feel better.
Marshall is a genius.
- Marshall Rosenberg, PhD
"Everyone keeps telling me what they think that I should do."
"They are only being nice so that they can come around and get their mom's money when she dies."
"No one listens to me. Everyone puts their stuff on me."
These are some of the many things that my friend was saying yesterday. It seemed as though everyone in her world was WRONG!
Right now, her very life is hanging tenuously. I can only imagine the fearful thoughts that are running rampant in her mind.
It was hard to keep my heart open when I heard her words. I felt a bit angry. I have driven her to many chemo treatments and doctor appointments, held her hand while she sat on the toilet, and spent days and nights caring for her in the hospital. When I heard her words, I had a need for acknowledgement and appreciation for what I have done. Listening to her, I told myself that no one, including me, will ever be able to be enough for her. Actually, the thought "If everyone is going away, you might want to look at who the common denominator is here" went through my head.
And after listening to the list of people who have said all of the wrong things and are now fired as friends of hers, I did express my concern about whether or not she will cut off friendship with me if I happen to say something she doesn't want to hear.
I gave myself empathy: "When I hear her say these things, I feel angry and afraid, because I'm needing some appreciation for what I have done. And I need to know that I am safe when I express myself." Just hearing that acknowledgment from myself, I feel more grounded.
Then I took a big breath and listened more deeply.
If all of her judgments are expressions of her unmet needs, what are the needs behind her words?
Me: Are you needing empathy for the place where you are now?
Her: Yes, I need to know that I am okay, that I have done good work for others and what I'm doing now is okay.
Me: So you need reassurance that you have contributed to life and that the path you are taking now is worthwhile.
Her: Yes. And I'm scared. Everyone goes away and doesn't want to listen to me when I say that I'm scared.
Me: Yes, I hear that you are very afraid and you would like someone to be present and hear your fears.
Her: Yes.
Me: Would you like to tell me about your fears?
Her: Yes. But it is nice outside right now and I told myself that I would take a walk while I could. I would like to talk about this tomorrow. Thank you. I feel better.
Marshall is a genius.
posted by Carol at 11:19 AM
3 Comments:
A most excellent photo and an even more excellent dialogue! Thank you for modeling and for teaching.
I love that!
I am learning that the skills of NVC are magic. And learning a more compassionate way of hearing others' needs (which is a major lesson in NVC) is priceless.
I would like to practice NVC connecting with W - at least I would like it on one of my better days. ;-)
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