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Sunday, September 28, 2008
Invisible
I just got back from buying some groceries. The man in front of me had gray hair. His fingers were all bent and it took a long time for him to write his check. He looked to be about 80 years old. When the cashier asked him for an I.D., he pulled out his driver's license and told her that, before his wife died, they decided to tear up their credit cards, so now he only has his driver's license for an I.D. The middle-aged cashier made some kind of faint, uninterested, "oh" sound and did her job. Or maybe I'm just making that last part up. She may have said nothing and I give her too much credit.
The man could be a very happy person who misses his wife somewhat, but is at peace with life. He may not have even liked his wife, for all I know. Still, I don't think his comment was about the credit cards. It was about the fact that his wife died. I had heard him in the store earlier, telling a different person that he lived alone, so didn't want to buy too much of something that might go bad.
I wonder how many of us are carrying un-witnessed grief. We try to tell our story but no one hears because they have a job to do. A job that can also serve as an excuse to avoid connecting human to human.
Sometimes, the more people I'm around, the more I start thinking that this world is a very lonely place.
The man could be a very happy person who misses his wife somewhat, but is at peace with life. He may not have even liked his wife, for all I know. Still, I don't think his comment was about the credit cards. It was about the fact that his wife died. I had heard him in the store earlier, telling a different person that he lived alone, so didn't want to buy too much of something that might go bad.
I wonder how many of us are carrying un-witnessed grief. We try to tell our story but no one hears because they have a job to do. A job that can also serve as an excuse to avoid connecting human to human.
Sometimes, the more people I'm around, the more I start thinking that this world is a very lonely place.
posted by Carol at 11:47 AM
19 Comments:
One of my first jobs was as a clerk in a shopping mall. There were people there we called "Mall People" who were there every day, always looking, never buying.
One thing I learned early on was that if you could remember their names, if you could say "Hi, Mr. Smith!" and spend just a few moments chit-chatting, their faces would just light up. Thirty seconds of conversation would make their whole day. For a lot of them, I think I was the only human contact they had.
Thanks to television and PCs and an irrational fear of strangers, our culture is even more isolated now than it was then.
(If posts had soundtacks, this one would be "Eleanor Rigby.")
Thomas,
I'm glad that you gave your ear and a little time to the people around you. That means so much.
Yeah. Eleanor Rigby.
Indigo Incarnates
Yup... the world can be very lonely at times. There was a dark time for me once and it was pretty bleak. When you're down, the world loves to give you a swift kick in the crotch and then step on your neck.
Hi Carol, I just found your blog by searching for "social justice." I was here 15 seconds and knew I have found someone I like very much. I look forward to many future visits.
Great post. Too seldom do we listen, really listen.
Thanks for this, Carol. I believe that many of us carry un-witnessed grief within us. And, the older I become, I understand that the world is a very, very lonely place.
The world may be a lonely place ... but it's up to us to turn it around.
Who was it who said something like "Let us be the change we wish to see in the world" (something like that anyway)
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi
Since reading your post this morning, I popped into a grocery shop to buy a couple of things ... the assistant was too busy chatting to her colleague to make eye contact with me or smile!
I think she said "Thank You" though!
We'll team them!
Sorry .. another comment to correct my typing error in the last one.
"We'll teach them!"
Hi Indigo,
It sounds like you got to the other side of your dark place.
I truly believe that the world is benign - that it doesn't do anything "to us". Still, we can feel pretty vulnerable sometimes, so we're more aware of the things we find hard to accept.
Hello Border Explorer!
Welcome! I'm glad that you found me. I will be over to visit your blog in a few moments.
Thanks for visiting and for commenting!
Nick,
Yes, I think that there are few who don't carry unwitnessed grief. Sometimes it's because we're unwilling to give voice to our experience and many times, it's because no one really wants to sit and just hear the pain behind our words.
I thought about loneliness and aging a lot yesterday. That man, and almost all people of his generation, don't have computers or computer skills, so are unable to even connect to a virtual community. And virtual communities are better than nothing, but they don't take the place of one-on-one physical proximity.
Dancing,
When I was young, I felt the need to connect with everyone in the world that was lonely or hungry or whatever. That's a very big job! I still have that in me, but I know that not only can I not save the world, but we all have our paths and it is not up to me to change it all.
But Gandhi is right, I can be the change I wish to see in the world. I can slow down, open my heart, be present to those who are around me, and just love.
Let's start a Listening Revolution!
Viva la revolucion!
A sensitive observation, Carol. I believe you are right--we carry a lot of unwitnessed feeling with us, especially when many are present.
San,
Maybe that is how we learn compassion for others???
This post reminds me of a line in the movie "The Namesake". The story is about an East Indian couple who move here for economic opportunity. When the wife discovers she's pregnant, she tells her husband, "I don't want to raise a child in this lonely country."
~*
Oh Chani,
That is so sad. But I can understand it feeling that way.
I'm going to order the movie from our library. I've never seen it.
Hi Carol,Have been busy elsewhere a lot, (but occasionally drop by). Good post / topic! Another song for you and your readers (and do try to hear John singing it, he's a master songwriter!)
Hello In There
© by John Prine
_________________
We had an apartment in the city,
Me and Loretta liked living there.
Well, it'd been years since the kids had grown,
A life of their own left us alone.
John and Linda live in Omaha,
And Joe is somewhere on the road.
We lost Davy in the Korean war,
And I still don't know what for, don't matter anymore.
Chorus:
Ya' know that old trees just grow stronger,
And old rivers grow wilder ev'ry day.
Old people just grow lonesome
Waiting for someone to say, "Hello in there, hello."
Me and Loretta, we don't talk much more,
She sits and stares through the back door screen.
And all the news just repeats itself
Like some forgotten dream that we've both seen.
Someday I'll go and call up Rudy,
We worked together at the factory.
But what could I say if asks "What's new?"
"Nothing, what's with you? Nothing much to do."
Repeat Chorus:
So if you're walking down the street sometime
And spot some hollow ancient eyes,
Please don't just pass 'em by and stare
As if you didn't care, say, "Hello in there, hello."
xxx
Yan
Good to hear from you again, Yan! I hope that you are doing well.
I am posting about this song tomorrow. (Only I am putting on a YouTube of Michael Stipe and Natalie Merchant singing John Prine's song. I hope you don't mine - I just like them.)
This song really does fit with this post about the man at the store. I usually try to say "Hello". I will try to do it more...
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