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Thursday, January 17, 2008
Fear
I must confess once again. I lurk on Joe My God's blog Every day. Sometimes more than that. Well, most of the time, more than that.
I have to go there more than once a day because this guy posts numerous times almost every day. It's exhausting!
I have to admit that I don't get the Bear Disco Scene he often writes about, and I know nothing of the music that he loves, but his blog is good for honesty, a laugh, a few tears, and for up close crazy views of New York.
Today Joe asked "What are you afraid of?" I was very curious as to what the comments would be on that so I checked them out. And they were touching.
I am not going to de-lurk on Joe's blog today. I may never do that.
But, in all fairness (since I now know the fears of 62 braver souls than I), I will expose myself and answer his question in the safety of my own blog.
Before beginning, though, I have to acknowledge how far I've come in my life. As a kid, I was afraid of people, snowmen, thunder, cats, dogs, the bogeyman, and just about everything else. I got over most of those things before I was very old, but it took me until I was in my 30's before I could walk into a room at night if the curtains were open.
Now I love thunder and have spent most of my adult life with windows that don't even have window coverings. I dance with fear in many ways. On one hand, my mind tells me that I'm afraid of just about everything. On the other hand, when I stop and put a fear under close scrutiny, it usually doesn't survive for long. So this list will be the fears that I find I have the hardest time talking myself out of.
What am I afraid of?
I guess the most obvious fear right now is that of de-lurking on Joe's blog. But his is not the only blog that has this distinction.
Oh, and I'm afraid to posit questions on my blog like "What are you afraid of?" because, unlike Joe's blog, this blog rarely will receive an answer to a question. I'm afraid of looking like I'm all alone in the world if no one answers. (Not really... because I KNOW you're out there.)
I am afraid of speaking in groups of more than two people. Kidding. Really, I can handle groups as large as three or four before my heart tries to beat its way out of my body.
One of my biggest fears is that someone I love deeply will die suddenly and violently. I tell myself that I couldn't handle it. The truth is that I know many people who made it through an experience like that. I could make it through it, also. If I had to.
(Oh, that one was a biggie.)
I worry for our country and our earth. I can't say that I'm afraid, but I am concerned.
(Is "concerned" fear lite?)
And in my weaker moments, I'm afraid of that icky feeling that comes after mainstream medicine gets done with me. The pain, weak, drugged, medicinal feeling. I'm looking at surgery on my left arm near the end of March, and my resistance to the surgery has come from that fear (plus a good dose of denial).
A friend and I were talking about fear and I realized that almost all of our fears are fear of the annihilation of our body, our ego, or life as we know it.
Which is pretty darn funny if you think about it, since we are absolutely guaranteed that all of those things will come about for us no matter what we do.
A smarter person than I spoke of fear so wonderfully:
I have to go there more than once a day because this guy posts numerous times almost every day. It's exhausting!
I have to admit that I don't get the Bear Disco Scene he often writes about, and I know nothing of the music that he loves, but his blog is good for honesty, a laugh, a few tears, and for up close crazy views of New York.
Today Joe asked "What are you afraid of?" I was very curious as to what the comments would be on that so I checked them out. And they were touching.
I am not going to de-lurk on Joe's blog today. I may never do that.
But, in all fairness (since I now know the fears of 62 braver souls than I), I will expose myself and answer his question in the safety of my own blog.
Before beginning, though, I have to acknowledge how far I've come in my life. As a kid, I was afraid of people, snowmen, thunder, cats, dogs, the bogeyman, and just about everything else. I got over most of those things before I was very old, but it took me until I was in my 30's before I could walk into a room at night if the curtains were open.
Now I love thunder and have spent most of my adult life with windows that don't even have window coverings. I dance with fear in many ways. On one hand, my mind tells me that I'm afraid of just about everything. On the other hand, when I stop and put a fear under close scrutiny, it usually doesn't survive for long. So this list will be the fears that I find I have the hardest time talking myself out of.
What am I afraid of?
I guess the most obvious fear right now is that of de-lurking on Joe's blog. But his is not the only blog that has this distinction.
Oh, and I'm afraid to posit questions on my blog like "What are you afraid of?" because, unlike Joe's blog, this blog rarely will receive an answer to a question. I'm afraid of looking like I'm all alone in the world if no one answers. (Not really... because I KNOW you're out there.)
I am afraid of speaking in groups of more than two people. Kidding. Really, I can handle groups as large as three or four before my heart tries to beat its way out of my body.
One of my biggest fears is that someone I love deeply will die suddenly and violently. I tell myself that I couldn't handle it. The truth is that I know many people who made it through an experience like that. I could make it through it, also. If I had to.
(Oh, that one was a biggie.)
I worry for our country and our earth. I can't say that I'm afraid, but I am concerned.
(Is "concerned" fear lite?)
And in my weaker moments, I'm afraid of that icky feeling that comes after mainstream medicine gets done with me. The pain, weak, drugged, medicinal feeling. I'm looking at surgery on my left arm near the end of March, and my resistance to the surgery has come from that fear (plus a good dose of denial).
A friend and I were talking about fear and I realized that almost all of our fears are fear of the annihilation of our body, our ego, or life as we know it.
Which is pretty darn funny if you think about it, since we are absolutely guaranteed that all of those things will come about for us no matter what we do.
A smarter person than I spoke of fear so wonderfully:
Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. - Rainer Maria Rilke
Labels: fear, illusion, JoeMyGod, princesses, Rilke
posted by Carol at 8:36 AM
2 comments
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Spanish Class Numero Uno
I'd rather do hard physical labor for the rest of my life than to be the center of attention for a moment. Despite many public speaking classes, I would rather clean public toilets than speak before more than two people.
So what was I thinking would happen at my first Spanish class last night? Did I think that the teacher - excuse me, el profesor - would just stand before the class, spouting Spanish phrases and I would leave there a master of the language?
Oh, the raging heartbeat of it all! Complete, grueling torture as el profesor walked around the room, grilling us on new phrases. I had an understanding of what I was saying at first, but brain fatigue set in after awhile, and I just wanted to go back to the comfortable Buenos dias and leave it at that. At times I was haunted by the worry that, instead of answering "Hasta luego", I would out of nervousness mumble out "Hasta la pasta" as my old high school friend used to say.
How do you say "Please don't call on me!" en espanol?
So what was I thinking would happen at my first Spanish class last night? Did I think that the teacher - excuse me, el profesor - would just stand before the class, spouting Spanish phrases and I would leave there a master of the language?
Oh, the raging heartbeat of it all! Complete, grueling torture as el profesor walked around the room, grilling us on new phrases. I had an understanding of what I was saying at first, but brain fatigue set in after awhile, and I just wanted to go back to the comfortable Buenos dias and leave it at that. At times I was haunted by the worry that, instead of answering "Hasta luego", I would out of nervousness mumble out "Hasta la pasta" as my old high school friend used to say.
How do you say "Please don't call on me!" en espanol?
Labels: fear
posted by Carol at 9:30 AM
4 comments
Friday, October 14, 2005
More on Fear
Thank you to Paul who responded to my last post regarding MLK's quote on FEAR (to read Paul's comment, click on comments at the bottom of my last post). I have been thinking about the subject. I know that, yes, we can act while experiencing fear (I am reminded of the self-help tape I used to listen to in the '80's called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers), and in fact, if we wait until we don't feel fear, we will be crippled with inaction. It is important to not allow our fear to cripple us.
To take things a step further, I would have to say that from my experience and observation, we can act while experiencing fear, but we will usually act more wisely, more impeccably, if we come from a clear head of non-fear - an inner place of the very peace that we are craving in our world.
If we feel called upon to "lift the whole of humanity", we need to work on fearlessness. By facing our fears, we can develop this strength - not by escaping into shopping, television or other diversions, but by being with our deepest selves and facing the "un-faceable" through meditation, prayer, love, fasting, solos, and just plain walking where we are afraid to walk. As Pema Chodron says in When Things Fall Apart, "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us." When we find "that which is indestructible" within ourselves, we are free.
In order to be free of fear, we must have a passion for our life and our mission in life. When I speak about my passion, when I act from my inner passion, I am focused and embodying love, and fear has no space to enter. Are we really passionate about peace and social justice? Or does the concept sound nice as long as we don't have to do anything too scary? If it is truly in our hearts, we will move in congruence with our passion. Then other feelings will be like a fly that lands lightly on our shirtsleeve and is not given a thought.
Our parents, our government, and the media try to feed us fear everyday. But they also try to feed us white bread, GMO grains, and pesticide-laden vegetables. I don't choose to eat those "foods" and I don't choose to eat the acid of fear either.
"And I submit to you that if a man has not discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live." MLK, Jr.
To take things a step further, I would have to say that from my experience and observation, we can act while experiencing fear, but we will usually act more wisely, more impeccably, if we come from a clear head of non-fear - an inner place of the very peace that we are craving in our world.
If we feel called upon to "lift the whole of humanity", we need to work on fearlessness. By facing our fears, we can develop this strength - not by escaping into shopping, television or other diversions, but by being with our deepest selves and facing the "un-faceable" through meditation, prayer, love, fasting, solos, and just plain walking where we are afraid to walk. As Pema Chodron says in When Things Fall Apart, "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us." When we find "that which is indestructible" within ourselves, we are free.
In order to be free of fear, we must have a passion for our life and our mission in life. When I speak about my passion, when I act from my inner passion, I am focused and embodying love, and fear has no space to enter. Are we really passionate about peace and social justice? Or does the concept sound nice as long as we don't have to do anything too scary? If it is truly in our hearts, we will move in congruence with our passion. Then other feelings will be like a fly that lands lightly on our shirtsleeve and is not given a thought.
Our parents, our government, and the media try to feed us fear everyday. But they also try to feed us white bread, GMO grains, and pesticide-laden vegetables. I don't choose to eat those "foods" and I don't choose to eat the acid of fear either.
"And I submit to you that if a man has not discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live." MLK, Jr.
Labels: fear
posted by Carol at 12:48 PM
0 comments