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Thursday, April 03, 2008
It's Snaining!
It's warm enough to somewhat snow, somewhat rain. Haven't seen rain for a long time...
Snow can still play with us for a few more months. There have been times that we walked through three feet of snow about this time of year. A few years ago, on Mother's Day, a couple of feet of snow weighing down already leafed-out branches caused one of our fifty foot tall cottonwoods to send a spear right through a skylight.
But snows this season, so far, have come frequently but ineffectively. Constipated skies. A big promise without an adequate follow-up.
Kind of like my surgery.
NOTHING that the doctor said before I was lying on the gurney ready to go into surgery indicated that we would do no less than repair a tendon tear. I prepared for the big one. The three-foot snow. I'm not disappointed about the fact that my pain is less than it would've been if el doctor had cut even more. I'm very happy that I'm not all immobilized in a honkin' big sling for a month followed by much more P.T. than I'll have now. But, just maybe, if I had known that MRI's can lie, maybe I would've opted out of this $14,000 (and counting) surgery.
It was big for me to trust western medicine enough to go through this. And you know what I think of MRI's now??? It may be a colder day than this before I will buy into that again.
Sounds like I'm in a pissy mood today, but I'm not (oh boy - bet you can't wait to see what a pissy Carol looks like). I think it's just that I got the first bill yesterday, which doesn't include the anesthesiologist's charges, the P.T. bills that are starting to accumulate, the price of breathing in their space, and any other bills that they can think of, and I'm blown away.
Guilt sits on my left shoulder and wants me to submit. These two shoulders have now probably cost more than $30,000. I'm as proud of that as I am of what we're doing to Iraq. That $30,000 could be used for so much more. Why are these middle-aged shoulders worth more than a starving child's life???
Maybe I'm going through buyer's remorse.
I'm in the phase where I feel worse than before the surgery and I have not yet seen how thankful I will be when my arm is pain-free and moving anywhere I want it.
If I believed that guilt would help this situation, I'd dive into it whole hog (where did THAT phrase come from?).
Wow! Who needs movies for entertainment when a mind can be so fascinating to watch? Years of endless drama right here. No charge, no effort.
Onward and upward! I am here and can't change a thing. I think I'll go do my exercises. This afternoon is my post-op appointment, and me and le docteur have some things to talk about.
Snow can still play with us for a few more months. There have been times that we walked through three feet of snow about this time of year. A few years ago, on Mother's Day, a couple of feet of snow weighing down already leafed-out branches caused one of our fifty foot tall cottonwoods to send a spear right through a skylight.
But snows this season, so far, have come frequently but ineffectively. Constipated skies. A big promise without an adequate follow-up.
Kind of like my surgery.
NOTHING that the doctor said before I was lying on the gurney ready to go into surgery indicated that we would do no less than repair a tendon tear. I prepared for the big one. The three-foot snow. I'm not disappointed about the fact that my pain is less than it would've been if el doctor had cut even more. I'm very happy that I'm not all immobilized in a honkin' big sling for a month followed by much more P.T. than I'll have now. But, just maybe, if I had known that MRI's can lie, maybe I would've opted out of this $14,000 (and counting) surgery.
It was big for me to trust western medicine enough to go through this. And you know what I think of MRI's now??? It may be a colder day than this before I will buy into that again.
Sounds like I'm in a pissy mood today, but I'm not (oh boy - bet you can't wait to see what a pissy Carol looks like). I think it's just that I got the first bill yesterday, which doesn't include the anesthesiologist's charges, the P.T. bills that are starting to accumulate, the price of breathing in their space, and any other bills that they can think of, and I'm blown away.
Guilt sits on my left shoulder and wants me to submit. These two shoulders have now probably cost more than $30,000. I'm as proud of that as I am of what we're doing to Iraq. That $30,000 could be used for so much more. Why are these middle-aged shoulders worth more than a starving child's life???
Maybe I'm going through buyer's remorse.
I'm in the phase where I feel worse than before the surgery and I have not yet seen how thankful I will be when my arm is pain-free and moving anywhere I want it.
If I believed that guilt would help this situation, I'd dive into it whole hog (where did THAT phrase come from?).
Wow! Who needs movies for entertainment when a mind can be so fascinating to watch? Years of endless drama right here. No charge, no effort.
Onward and upward! I am here and can't change a thing. I think I'll go do my exercises. This afternoon is my post-op appointment, and me and le docteur have some things to talk about.
Labels: mind, post-surgery
posted by Carol at 8:04 AM
4 comments
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
The Tides Have Turned
Yesterday was a very good day. I began to feel like myself again. And today my friend is coming over to give me a massage, so YIPPPPEEEE!!!!
This is what I've done during some of my conscious hours (besides staring at the walls and out the windows) over the past few days:
1. Listened to Peter Fenner CDs on non-duality. This is my first introduction to Mr. Fenner and he's quite good. His voice is very soothing, though, and I visited la-la land easily while listening to him, which is kind of funny considering the title of the CD set is "Radiant Mind". Guess it didn't work for me. But I'm sure that his words seeped into my consciousness somehow.
2. Read Farewell My Subaru - an easy read about Doug Fine's adventures in trying to live with as small of a carbon footprint as possible.
3. Watched movies:
Once - Awesome, awesome. One of the best movies I've seen in a long time. I will not ruin it by telling you what I liked so much about it.
Stranger Than Fiction - I didn't buy into this one too deeply for awhile, but grew to enjoy it. Ending up really liking it.
Monsieur Ibrahim - Sweet. Simple. Omar Sharif.
Across the Universe - Oh, I did not like this movie at all. My eyes still hurt from rolling them so much - as in "Can you be more predictable and trite?". Maybe the formaldehyde caused me to miss something. I have heard from many people whose tastes I usually respect that they actually LIKE this movie.
Rivers and Tides - About artist Andy Goldsworthy. A very slow, quiet, beautiful movie about a man and his nature art. He sees the flow in all. It would be nice if we all would slow down and see what he sees.
Ten Canoes - um, no.
Have you seen any of these films? What did you think about them?
This is what I've done during some of my conscious hours (besides staring at the walls and out the windows) over the past few days:
1. Listened to Peter Fenner CDs on non-duality. This is my first introduction to Mr. Fenner and he's quite good. His voice is very soothing, though, and I visited la-la land easily while listening to him, which is kind of funny considering the title of the CD set is "Radiant Mind". Guess it didn't work for me. But I'm sure that his words seeped into my consciousness somehow.
2. Read Farewell My Subaru - an easy read about Doug Fine's adventures in trying to live with as small of a carbon footprint as possible.
Book review: "Fine survives drought, biblical floods, and crackpot UN-hating neighbors as he gradually becomes "solarized"... along the way readers will root for this dry sharp wit and his rosy green dream. Fine's funny struggle to become a better world citizen will entertain both the eco-aware, and those who doze peacefully in their home's formaldehyde fumes." - BookpageMaybe it's not really the drugs that have melted my mind. Maybe it's the formaldehyde around here.
3. Watched movies:
Once - Awesome, awesome. One of the best movies I've seen in a long time. I will not ruin it by telling you what I liked so much about it.
Stranger Than Fiction - I didn't buy into this one too deeply for awhile, but grew to enjoy it. Ending up really liking it.
Monsieur Ibrahim - Sweet. Simple. Omar Sharif.
Across the Universe - Oh, I did not like this movie at all. My eyes still hurt from rolling them so much - as in "Can you be more predictable and trite?". Maybe the formaldehyde caused me to miss something. I have heard from many people whose tastes I usually respect that they actually LIKE this movie.
Rivers and Tides - About artist Andy Goldsworthy. A very slow, quiet, beautiful movie about a man and his nature art. He sees the flow in all. It would be nice if we all would slow down and see what he sees.
Ten Canoes - um, no.
Have you seen any of these films? What did you think about them?
Labels: Passing Time When Bodies Do Not Cooperate, post-surgery
posted by Carol at 8:11 AM
9 comments
Monday, March 31, 2008
Candles
How interesting that the sky has been the shade of old, over-used and worn-out muslin sheets for most of the time during the past few days while I've sat in my recliner watching squirrels run back and forth along the top of the fence. I finally decided that a candle has to be burning at all times. If the sun won't visit while I am stuck here with mush for brains, I'll just create my own light and warmth.
Perfectly, the sun peeked out for a short time on Saturday - one of only two outings I've made in the last week (the other being for physical therapy). I can still feel the hot sun beating on my shoulders as I walked to visit Mr. and Mrs. Owl and family. That was very nice.
But back to candles.
I've started back on my rounds of visiting the blogohood. First stop was Sometimes Saintly Nick's. Reading back over the week that I missed, I found that on last Tuesday, he wrote about ME. ME! With a prayer for my surgery and recovery. Is that not THE NICEST thing that I have heard of??? And with it, he had a photo of purple candles. Guess what's burning right now in the CarolForPeace house...
You guessed it - all purple and warm and light and reminding me of how we're not alone even when we are all by ourselves with a sky that forgot to show its colors.
Thank you, Nick, and thank you to all of your friends who willingly joined you in thinking about ME!
It helped. It really, really did - and still does. The gift that keeps on giving.
Perfectly, the sun peeked out for a short time on Saturday - one of only two outings I've made in the last week (the other being for physical therapy). I can still feel the hot sun beating on my shoulders as I walked to visit Mr. and Mrs. Owl and family. That was very nice.
But back to candles.
I've started back on my rounds of visiting the blogohood. First stop was Sometimes Saintly Nick's. Reading back over the week that I missed, I found that on last Tuesday, he wrote about ME. ME! With a prayer for my surgery and recovery. Is that not THE NICEST thing that I have heard of??? And with it, he had a photo of purple candles. Guess what's burning right now in the CarolForPeace house...
You guessed it - all purple and warm and light and reminding me of how we're not alone even when we are all by ourselves with a sky that forgot to show its colors.
Thank you, Nick, and thank you to all of your friends who willingly joined you in thinking about ME!
It helped. It really, really did - and still does. The gift that keeps on giving.
Labels: candles, post-surgery, Sometimes Saintly Nick
posted by Carol at 12:34 PM
7 comments
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Sweetness
Yesterday, I got all macho and waited too long for pain meds. Like a sudden spring storm, powerful pain grabbed my arm. It took over an hour for my magic pill to begin to work, so I had a good opportunity to sit and breathe with what felt like a vise around my bone.
Pain is not a solid thing. Nothing is really solidly what we call it. There was intense pain/sweetness/nothingness/calm/emergency all woven together. A mosaic. A kaleidoscope.
And that experience was all BEFORE the pain pill hit, so I KNOW I didn't make that all up!
Pain is not a solid thing. Nothing is really solidly what we call it. There was intense pain/sweetness/nothingness/calm/emergency all woven together. A mosaic. A kaleidoscope.
And that experience was all BEFORE the pain pill hit, so I KNOW I didn't make that all up!
Labels: post-surgery
posted by Carol at 9:29 AM
6 comments
Friday, March 28, 2008
Sleep
I'm doing a lot of that lately.
This will be short, since I am typing with one hand - very slowly.
The good news: It's all good. When the surgeon got in there, the tendon didn't look as torn as the MRI had indicated, so no tendon cutting and reattaching. He just prettied up the frayed stuff and did a subacromial decompression and acromioplasty - which means he shaved off some bone that was impinging my tendon. I should be swimming laps, skiing black diamonds, and technical climbing in a couple of months as opposed to the 8 or 10 month recovery time I would have needed had they done the reattachment.
Thank you. Thank you.
There is so much love in this world.
This will be short, since I am typing with one hand - very slowly.
The good news: It's all good. When the surgeon got in there, the tendon didn't look as torn as the MRI had indicated, so no tendon cutting and reattaching. He just prettied up the frayed stuff and did a subacromial decompression and acromioplasty - which means he shaved off some bone that was impinging my tendon. I should be swimming laps, skiing black diamonds, and technical climbing in a couple of months as opposed to the 8 or 10 month recovery time I would have needed had they done the reattachment.
Thank you. Thank you.
There is so much love in this world.
Labels: post-surgery
posted by Carol at 2:59 PM
9 comments